I think this is something that’s always been gnawing at me from the inside.
People who know me in real life, know that I’m this skinny, awkward person who has never really looked his age. I’ve always looked a few years younger than my actual age, so much so that it took graduation for people to tell me that perhaps, now I was approaching puberty.
I mean, such comments aren’t really funny, you know? I’ve grown saturated hearing them. Not surprising, since I’ve been practically hearing them my entire life. From my friends, from my family, from my classmates, to even a few teachers.
There’s only so many times I can listen to remarks asking me to grab something heavy when a gust of wind blows by.
I’ve always either laughed these comments off awkwardly or simply rolled my eyes, but I think the impact they’ve had has affected me on a much deeper level. I may have reacted casually, brushing them off as you would any other insult, but it’s hard to minimize impact when it’s been a constant part of your life.
If it weren’t for the pandemic limiting my social interactions, I’d have been hearing stuff like that incessantly again. People aren’t doing it to be mean. It’s just easier to acclimatize yourself to the many by picking on those who have no choice but to be picked on, due to circumstances out of their control.
Look, I get it. I mean, I… probably have fallen victim to those same tactics myself. If anybody who’s reading this has been affected by something I told them in the past, I’m truly sorry. I know how such remarks cut deep, frequently catching you unawares.
Shit like this becomes a part of your personality after a while. You begin to believe that your physical characteristics will always define you, no matter the passage of time or the people you’re associating with. Your identity begins to revolve around the very thing these comments were highlighting way back then, making you lose sight of the things that make you… you. I’ve had to amend my thoughts when people ask me to introduce myself. I’m much more than a skinny person who’s always looked 5 years younger.
I always knew my self-confidence was lower than what it should be, but recently I’ve realized it’s almost cripplingly low. That’s not a good place to be, especially now that I’m in the process of finding a job. I’m not clearing any interviews when I don’t believe in myself, forget about making other people believe in me. There’s probably a lot to unpack regarding this specifically, which I’ve touched upon in an earlier blog post here.
I’ve taken a liking to going on evening strolls recently, earlier than I used to due to having a bit of free time on my hands as of now.
There have been a number of occassions in which I’ve encountered kids at least 5 years younger to me on my path, kids that studied in the same school as I did. Of course, I saw them running about with snot on their dirt-encrusted, sweaty faces back then.
I came back to my home proper after, what, 6 years spent away from here. Seeing these kids in question who earlier used to barely reach my elbow look older to me now has obviously been a jarring experience, but it goes further than that. Now, when I see them in front of me and our paths are about to intersect, I can’t even make eye contact. I turn the other way.
My younger sister occassionally has her friends over, and its more of the same. I don’t even look straight at them. Or rather, I can’t. I get this inexplicable tightness in my chest that’s always followed by the thumping of my heart, so much so I’m barely able to think straight. In fact, I think I firmly park myself in a different room so as to minimize all contact.
That’s… moderately screwed up, no? I can’t look people in the eye anymore. I used to have such confidence just a few years back. (Well, not technically true, but in relative terms? Absolutely.)
It’s all just… disappeared now. I’d have said I was running on fumes but honestly, that’d be an overstatement.
It’s manifested on a more, um, non-physical front too, as it were. I dread interacting with people simply because they’d ask me what I’m up to these days, and I don’t have a straight answer to give them. I see my peers doing wonderful things every day, taking vacations in foreign lands, visiting places that were just a note on a long-forgotten bucket list of mine while I’ve just got this miasma in my head.
It’s nuts. I long to do something that screams me, and not what circumstances have made me do. I’m just trying to find the strength to do it.
