Originally written on 21.10.2020
Sometimes I feel like I’ve been constantly running for the past so many years.
Sometimes, I’m struck with the realisation that I’m barely crawling ahead while people around me are rushing ahead at breakneck pace, becoming specks in the distance.
Sometimes I wonder if this is a race I’m willing to run.
It comes and goes. You might stretch your back after a job well done, opening up that video game you deserve to play. You might also be struck with an impending sense of claustrophobia as out of nowhere everything in your life starts to lose its significance to you. You begin to see solely the negatives of the things in your life, making up problems that are purely fictional and using them to justify your misery. You lash out at people who love you, people who are only trying to help despite their own battles. You begin hating every aspect of your life, but at the end of the day you smile through it all, putting up a facade because you can’t really express what you’re feeling.
You don’t necessarily have a trigger. Like I said, it comes and goes.
It’s so hard to deal with this because you don’t understand what’s wrong. Pointing fingers at tangible subjects helps, but only superficially. Solutions with substance in them are hard to come by, and they’re unique for each of us.
I don’t quite know where I’m going through this. I fell sick and I was just laying down with no energy to do anything and I guess… That’s what happens when you’re alone with your thoughts. I dread these moments, but now that I’ve penned my thoughts, I feel… Better? I won’t pretend to possess clarity but somehow I feel lighter.
If you’ve stuck this far, thanks for reading, and thanks for being a part of my life. I may not express it well but I appreciate each one of you, everybody’s helped me out in their own way, from the guy who blasted stoner music at 4AM to the bus conductor I hate, to the people who inspire me on a daily basis.
