Originally written on 20.02.2021
I’m fully aware that I’m attempting to distract myself in order to not focus on the stress of the task at hand. Distractions aren’t always obvious, like going out for drinks every night, or gaming till the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes they’re under the guise of another apparently productive activity, like writing for instance, or reading up on that thing you should’ve done years ago. On the outside of course it seems like everything okay, that you’re simply someone trying to pick up a new skill, that you’re trying to engage yourself on multiple fronts to keep your mind active. Active in all the ways but the ones that do matter.
Take my present day situation for instance. I have received multiple offers from the grad schools I applied to. Pretty amazing, right? Of course. Of course it’s amazing. But it just doesn’t feel that way, and I begin to second guess my decisions. I begin to wonder if my newfound apprehension is a result of me being overwhelmed by the next steps to go through, or if it’s something more… profound. I dwell on the topic but I consistently hit dead ends. I just don’t know what to do next. Every muscle in my body was telling me to talk to people to figure out what to do, so I… did. I connected with so many folks on LinkedIn, I spoke to my friends who’re currently abroad after already having done grad school, and for some reason I feel like I’m still on step 1. People keep telling me to pursue what I want to do but there’s this haunting voice within me that’s whispering my professional ambitions might have changed.
Only, this voice doesn’t tell me what my newfound ambition is. Gee, that’s helpful.
So instead of listening to this voice, I try to drown it out by doing anything to occupy my time. Talking to my girlfriend, playing videogames, reading up on cryptocurrencies, just reading in general. They seem to be decent hobbies on the surface but deep down I’m aware that I’m just running away from the dilemma I have in front of me. It’s so surreal to go through. Flashback to 2 years ago and I was absolutely hellbent on strengthening my skills so that I could pursue grad school. That’s why I joined my current job. I used to spend hours watching screencasts, reading books, blog posts, pursuing side projects, all in the name of professional development. I know in my heart those weren’t empty pursuits; that back then I didn’t have this hollowness in me.
Fast forward to now, and I just don’t have the same drive in me anymore. I feel like I’ve ben going on autopilot since… well, since March 2020. Initially I’d pegged my inertia onto the changing world, because let’s face it, we’re going through a once in a generation event, it would be naive of anybody to expect to be unscathed. But over time, I began to wonder just how much credence I could lend to Covid, when I could simply have been using that as an excuse for my ineptitude.
I tell my sister, my mom, my girlfriend not to keep comparing themselves to their peers. Everybody has different experiences, different opportunities. We don’t know what people are going through, or the struggles they’ve put in to reach where they are. I just wish I could listen to some of my preaching too. After all, everybody is going through this. But not everybody is static like I am.
I never would’ve thought receiving an admit letter would lead to this storm within me.
